Our guest columnist – Con Constantine – will present readers with a cleverly written send-up and an ironic imitation of the building industry.

Con hopes that by enjoying his articles – you will learn about the building industry and not fall into carefully concealed traps that can be costly, stressful and time-consuming.

Con strongly supports the concept of ‘buyer beware’ but at UltraCon Constructions – its more about what he doesn’t say!

Greetings All

It has been an extremely busy time whilst we have been separated but I’m back with more news and views.

Firstly – we have had a change of Prime Minister and interest rates have gone up but thankfully – the low Building Code standards remain the same.
I’m not saying I necessarily agree with the low Building Code standards but this status quo makes my job much easier and enables me to build and renovate dream homes very quickly – with no pre or post build hold-ups.

I have received a great deal more mail than I had ever anticipated but Mrs. Constantine and I agree that this reflects the incredulity out there as to how we have created a building empire.

Before I answer further questions – I want to share an experience Mrs. Constantine and I have recently enjoyed. It is not only a glimpse into our social life but it shows how we leave no stone unturned when it comes to marketing UltraCon Constructions.

Mrs. Constantine loves raffles – not only the anticipation of winning something but raffles are an effective marketing tool most businesses are either not aware of – or choose to overlook.
Mrs. Constantine will buy multiple books of raffle tickets and put UltraCon Constructions and our phone number – on the butts.
Although we can’t quantify the success of hundreds of eponymous raffle ticket butts out in the community – we can and do make certain assumptions.

Last week I received a phone call telling me I was the winner of the Razzmatazz Raffle and the first prize was two first-night tickets to the opera. Mrs. Constantine was overtaken with joy but anxious that she may not be able to get a mani, pedi and hairdo in time. However, we did get to the opera in one piece but we were disappointed to discover our seats were up in the gods.

I told Mrs. Constantine that if we spotted any A Reserve seats remaining unoccupied after the interval – we would avail ourselves of them. Nobody would question us because we look the part.

When the opera started I was so excited because I thought it was the Lone Ranger but the opera buff sitting next to me overheard me whisper this to Mrs. Constantine and told me it was the William Tell Overture – and then asked me which school I attended! I whispered back that I didn’t go to school – we had school at home. My opera buff neighbour sighed and continued to wrestle with his packet of scorched almonds – obviously irritated he couldn’t get it open before the curtain went up.

At interval – we made our way out to the foyer to get a choc top each and passed the VIP Lounge where interval drinks are served. There was a member of the opera police on the door but I told Mrs. Constantine to stand up tall and follow me.

In we went and I’m so pleased we did. I always carry contracts in my pocket and even though doing business at interval drinks is not permitted – I managed to sign up three new dream home builds using my UltraCon Constructions spiel and putting the contracts inside the opera program for my new clients to sign.

Quite incredible – from raffle ticket butts to three new dream home builds. The moral of the story is it’s better to look over raffle tickets than to overlook them!

Back to your questions. I have received a lot of mail from people concerned about termites.

I can answer all the questions very simply – and save anyone wanting to ask me questions in the future the trouble.

Mrs. Constantine and I travelled to India soon after we started UltraCon Constructions and certainly before I was aware of termites.

We came back from India committed Jainists which means we believe in non-injury to living creatures so since then – we believe in live and let live in regards to these little critters.

There is a lot of discussion about building defects in relation to termites ie the use of banned chemicals, Termiguard Stations, outdated treatment notices etc but as we are Jainists we don’t even talk about termites – live and let live.

I have received many questions about Asbestos which I shall talk about in greater depth on another occasion but Jim from Jeelong was particularly concerned because he has just moved into his dream home only to be told the roof eave lining may contain a form of asbestos.

Jim has been advised by the venerable Mike Heathcote that this asbestos lining can abrade when the exposed side is in the roof space which leads to airborne particles entering the house via light fittings and exhaust fans etc.

At UltraCon Constructions – we have a simple and effective way of managing this Asbestos problem. We have a subsidiary called Vic’s Vivacious Vacuuming Service.

Vic will give the house a thorough vacuuming with his high voltage vacuum cleaner – voila! – get thee behind me Asbestos. Gone!

To finish – Mrs. Constantine has also received a great deal of mail but wishes to repeat that she will not answer questions about the short pastry in the fruit flans. Mrs. Constantine will talk about the fruit component till the cows come home – but please – no more questions about the short pastry – as it is a closely guarded, generational secret.